All
praise is
due to Allah,
Lord of the
worlds, the
Merciful,
the Hearer
of supplications,
and peace
and blessings
upon our beloved
and humble
prophet Muhammad,
and upon his
family and
companions.
When
marriage is
spoken of
during these
"modern" times,
Muslims become
horrified,
conjuring
images of
an arranged
marriage,
trying to
find that
"perfect"
companion,
how much of
a financial
burden it
will become,
and so on.
The reality
is that Islam
came to solve
these problems,
not exacerbate
them, yet
unfortunately
we have integrated
our local
traditions
and customs
with Islam
so that marriage
has become
a major concern
for a man
rather than
a delightful
experience.
When
living in
a free, perverted
and corrupt
Western society,
the Muslim
male youth
finds many
temptations
and tests,
as a result
of mixing
with females,
which he must
face and overcome.
He must constantly
resist these
temptations,
which are
thrown at
him in the
streets, on
the media,
and at work.And
so the wisdom
of the Prophet
(s.a.w) echoes
on, when he
said: "O young
men, those
among you
who can support
a wife should
marry, for
it restrains
the eyes from
casting (evil
glances),
and preserves
one from immorality..."
When seriously
considering
marriage,
you must pose
the question
to yourself
as to just
what kind
of wife you
want, what
her qualities
should be
in order to
establish
an Islamic
and peaceful
household,
and how you
will know
who she is.
As Muslims,
we believe
that Allah
wants the
best for us,
and that His
Prophet (s.a.w)
illustrated
this through
his own life.
So note that
by following
the advise
of our own
Creator, and
that of His
beloved servant,
we can only
be successful.
WHO
TO MARRY
Islam
is clear on
the kind of
wife you should
be seeking.
The Prophet
(s.a.w) said:
"A woman may
be married
for four reasons:
for her property,
her status,
her beauty,
and her religion;
so try to
get one who
is religious,
may you be
blessed."
This specifically
defines just
what kind
of a companion
we are seeking,
for if we
marry her
for anything
other than
her religious
piety, our
marriage is
bound to fall
into misery.
True,
beauty and
charm is hard
to resist,
yet beauty
does not last
forever and
does not guarantee
you her obedience
and religiousness.
Financial
status is
dynamic, and
so is worldly
status, yet
religion strongly
establishes
a household,
and it may
be that through
your intention
of marrying
her for her
religion,
the rest is
given to you
anyway. In
another hadith,
the Prophet
(s.a.w) said:
"The whole
world is a
provision,
and the best
object of
benefit of
the world
is the pious
woman." Imagine!
Nothing in
this world
is as valuable
as a pious
woman! This
point has
been stressed
many times
by Rasulallah
(s.a.w), who
himself, when
asked what
three things
he loved the
most, mentioned
a pious woman.
Once the following
ayah was revealed:
"They who
hoard up gold
and silver
and do not
spend it in
the way of
Allah, unto
them give
tidings of
a painful
doom. On that
day when it
will (all)
be heated
in the fire
of Jahannam,
and their
foreheads
and flanks
and their
backs will
be branded
therewith
(and it will
be said to
them): 'Here
is what you
hoarded for
yourselves,
now taste
of what you
used to hoard'
"[al-Taubah:
34-35]. Umar
(r.a.a) has
been quoted
to say that,
when this
ayah was revealed,
he approached
the Prophet
(s.a.w), submitting
that the ayah
weighed heavily
on the minds
of the Sahaba.
Rasulallah
(s.a.w) replied
that the best
thing to be
treasured
is the devoted
wife who causes
pleasure when
seen, obeys
orders instantly
and takes
full care
of herself
and her husbands
property when
he is away.
Abu Bakr once
asked Rasulallah
(s.a.w) what
was the best
thing to be
treasured,
and he (s.a.w)
replied: "the
tongue in
remembrance
of Allah,
the heart
filled with
thanks to
Allah, and
a pious wife
who helps
in virtuous
deeds". Look
at how valuable
such a woman
is in the
sight of Allah!
How can a
man live unhappily
with such
a person.
QUALITIES
OF THE PIOUS
WOMAN
Alright,
you say, you've
convinced
me, but what
actually makes
her a pious
woman? The
answer is
simple: Allah
himself has
described
those qualities
most loved
by Him in
the Qur'an,
and in the
hadith there
are numerous
accounts of
the virtuous
attributes
of a pious
woman.
The
following
are some ayahs
on the attributes
of the wife
you should
be seeking,
so note those
fine and appreciative
qualities.
The following
are some ayahs
on the attributes
of the wife
you should
be seeking,
so note those
fine and appreciative
qualities.
"And
women of purity
are for men
of purity,
and men of
purity are
for women
of purity"[s.24;v.26]
"Therefore
the righteous
women are
devoutly obedient,
and guard
in (the husbands)
absence what
Allah would
have them
guard"[s.4;v.34]
"It
may be, if
he divorced
you (all),
that Allah
will give
him in exchange
consorts better
than you,
who submit
(Muslims),
who believe,
who are devout,
who turn to
Allah in repentance,
who worship
(in humility),
who travel
(for faith)
and fast..."[s.66;v.5].
And
then, in surah
Ahzab, is
a full list
of those qualities
loved by Allah,
qualities
which by the
way should
be evident
in both males
and females.
So, my dear
brother, choose
her for the
following
attributes:
-a
Muslim woman
-a
believing
woman
-a
devout woman
-a
true woman
-a
woman who
is patient
and constant
-a
woman who
humbles herself
-a
woman who
gives charity
-a
woman who
fasts and
denies herself
-a
woman who
guards her
chastity
-a
woman who
engages much
in Allah's
praise.
Among
the four known
perfect women
was Maryam.
She was loved
by Allah because
of her religious
qualities: "O Maryam! Worship your Lord: prostrate yourself,
and bow down
(in prayer)
with those
who bow down"[s.3;v.43].
Another was
the wife of
Pharaoh: "And
Allah sets
forth, as
an example
to those who
believe, the
wife of Pharaoh:
behold she
said: 'O my
Lord, build
for me, in
nearness to
Thee, a mansion
in the Garden'
"[s.66;v.11].
The
Prophet (s.a.w)
loved his
wives because
of their religious
qualities.
Aisha once
related the
fine qualities
of Zainab:
"(Zainab)
was the one
who was somewhat
equal in rank
with me in
the eyes of
Allah's Messenger
(s.a.w), and
I have never
seen a woman
more advanced
in religious
piety than
Zainab, more
God-conscious,
more truthful,
more alive
to the ties
of blood,
more generous
and having
more sense
of self-sacrifice
in practical
life and having
more charitable
disposition
and thus more
closer to
Allah, the
Exalted, than
her."
Ahh,
you think,
but you'll
never find
such a woman!
Well, if that
was true,
Allah would
not have described
her in the
first place,
and furthermore
those qualities
were emanating
from the women
described
above. Islam
deals with
reality, not
fiction. Sure,
the perfect
woman doesn't
exist, yet
"if
you take a
dislike to
them, it may
be that you
dislike a
thing, and
Allah brings
about through
it a great
deal of good"[s.4;v.19].
Remember also
that you are
not perfect
either.
KNOWING
WHO SHE IS
To
find that
pious woman,
there are
two steps
to be taken,
and that firstone
relies on
your personal
observation.
In surah Nisaa,
Allah asks
the believing
women that
they should
"lower
their gaze
and guard
their modesty;
that they
should not
display their
beauty and
ornaments,"
and also that
they "should
not strike
their feet
in order to
draw attention
to their hidden
ornaments"[s.24;v.31].
If you notice
a woman acting
modestly,
being not
too obvious
through her
actions (by
lowering her
voice when
around men),
one who attempts
to hide her
attractions
(which includes
her external
beauty as
well as her
internal charms),
then you know
she has some
of those precious
qualities.
When you see
a woman unashamedly
flirting,
unconcerned
about her
revealing
clothes, and
freely converses
with males-
keep far,
far away.
I'm sure when
you get married
you want your
wife to devote
her love to
you, not to
twenty other
"just good
friends".
Through
simple observation,
you can get
a glimpse
of her nature;
for example,
the way she
stands when
conversing,
how she maintains
eye-contact,
her clothes,
where she
spends her
time etc.
Look for her
strong points,
and don't
stress on
her weak ones.
Yet,
after all
this, we still
have to come
to the most
important
topic. You
can look all
you want ather,
set a private
investigator
to track her
movements,
read her diaries
(all of which
I consider
extreme and
unIslamic),
yet, my dear
brother, no-one
knows her
heart and
intentions,
no-one knows
whether she
will turn
sour or more
religious,
or whether
you are suitable
for each other,
except for
Allah.
TRUST
IN ALLAH
We
are choosing
our wife for
her permanent
values; namely
her religious
devotions,
moral integrity,
character
etc. But believe
me, if we
try ourselves
to combine
a marriage,
we are almost
sure to fail,
because we
have no knowledge.
Allah
loves a servant
when he puts
his trust
in Him. When
we do so,
it is illustrating
how we rely
upon Him for
help, and
proving our
sincerity
to Him, establishing
that we recognize
His infinite
knowledge
and wisdom.
Islam
is likened
to being as
a house, and
in my estimation
nothing cements
that house
together as
well as putting
our trust
in Allah.
It
is related
on the authority
of Jabir ibn
'Abdullah
that the Prophet
(s.a.w) used
to teach his
companions
to seek, through
a special
du'a (known
as an istikharah),
the guidance
of Allah in
all matters
which affected
them. Rasulallah
(s.a.w) said:
"When you
are confused
about what
you should
do in a certain
situation,
then pray
two rak'at
of nafl salaat
and read the
following
du'a (du'a
of istikharah)."
I
am surprised
at the criticisms
thrown at
this du'a,
and of its
negligence.
We are humans,
powerless
in this sphere
of life, knowledgeable
only enough
to survive.
So why shouldn't
we turn to
Allah and
seek His perfect
help whenever
we require
it? Allah
responds to
the call of
His servant
when he asks
for guidance,
and we are
after all
seeking to
do something
in order to
please Him.
Many
wrong notions
exist concerning
istikharah.
Many Muslims
will pray,
read the du'a,
and run to
bed expecting
to see a dream
showing them
their future
wife, what
her favourite
colour is,
and some other
weird fantasy.
That is not
the purpose
of this salaat.
The
results of
an istikharah
can take many
forms. Basically,
you go by
your feelings,
whether you
now feel more
favourable
or not. Also,
you may notice
events have
changed, either
for or against
you. Finally,
as a wonderful
gift from
Allah, you
may be blessed
with a dream.
Note that
you must follow
the results
of an istikharah,
because not
doing so is
tantamount
to rejecting
Allah's guidance
once you've
asked for
it. Also,
you should
firstly clear
your mind,
not have your
mind already
decided, and
then afterwards
follow the
results willingly.
The
Prophet (s.a.w)
once sent
Zainab a proposal
of marriage.
She refused
to accept
the proposal
straight away,
expressing
her intention
to refer the
matter to
Allah: "I
do not do
anything until
I solicit
the will of
my Lord."
Allah, the
Responsive,
answered her
plea for help
and revealed
an ayah approving
of the marriage.
We may seem
shocked at
her refusal
to accept
a proposal
from what
is the best
husband any
woman can
have, yet
she was just
recognising
that it is
Allah who
knows how
successful
such a marriage
will be, and
as a sign
of appreciation,
that reply
is now preserved
in our Holy
Book: al Qur'an.
The
Prophet (s.a.w)
once said
to Aisha:
"I saw you
in a dream
for three
nights when
an angel brought
you to me
in a silk
cloth and
he said: 'Here
is your wife',
and when I
removed (the
cloth) from
your face,
lo, it was
yourself,
so I said:
'if this is
from Allah,
let Him carry
it out' ".
Marriage
is a serious
step, and
requires the
right attitude.
If marriage
completes
half our faith,
shouldn't
that half
be the best
half? A woman
married for
the wrong
reasons can
only weaken
the Muslim
household.
Consider that
she will be
your life-long
companion,
the rearer
of your children.
Don't marry
her for her
worldly wealth,
but for her
wealth in
Islamic wisdom
and knowledge.
Her status
in this life
is but illusionary,
so choose
her for her
status in
the sight
of Allah.
Beauty is
but superficial,
but the beauty
of man is
transcendent.
When
asking Allah
for a wife,
call upon
Him by His
beautiful
names, as
He has commanded
us:
"For Allah
are certain
and dignified
names: therefore
call upon
Him by them"[s.7;v.189].
Ask for a
companion
who is devout,
pious, patient
and so on.
Be among those
who say: "Our
Lord, may
our spouses
and our offspring
be a joy to
our eyes and
make us leaders
of the righteous"[al-Furqan,74].
I
cannot provide
a better conclusion
than saying
that you must
put your trust
in Allah.
You must have
trust in His
concern for
us, and His
ability to
help us. Allah
says: "Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who
put their
trust in Him"[s.3;v.159].
May
Allah help
us in our
sincere efforts
in following
His commandments
and the way
of His beloved
servant, and
provide us
with wives
whom He loves.
"When
my servants
ask you concerning
Me, I am indeed
close (to
them): I respond
to the prayer
of every supplicant
when he calls
on Me: let
them also,
with a will,
listen to
my call, and
believe in
Me: that they
may walk in
the right
way"[al-Baqarah,v.186]
