Dr.
El-Kadi is
a respected
Muslim leader,
both here
in North America
and abroad.
He has been
active in
numerous local,
national,
and international
Islamic organizations.
In North America,
he has held
positions
of leadership
within MAYA,
ISNA, MYNA,
and IMA. Currently,
he resides
in Panama
City, where
he has been
instrumental
in establishing
a full-time
Islamic school
(with Islamic
curriculum)
and a medical
research institute
which researches
the effects/benefits
of Prophetic
medicines.
By profession,
he is a (retired)
heart surgeon.
Introduction
The
period of
the Prophet's
family life
during his
marriage to
his first
wife, Khadijah,
could be considered
as the prototype
of an Islamic
family life.
This implies
that we should
look at this
period as
the ideal
example for
family relationships,
practices,
and attitudes
which we should
emulate.
There is a
lesson to
be learned
from each
aspect of
this relationship,
starting with
the circumstances
surrounding
its onset,
followed by
the numerous,
happy and
sad incidents
known to us
that filled
this period
of the Prophet's
life. For
the purpose
of
brevity, only
a few specific
observations
will be discussed.
Circumstances
The first
observation
is related
to the circumstances
surrounding
the onset
of this marriage.
The age of
the Prophet
was 25 years,
which is probably
the optimal
age of marriage
for a man.
Khadijah was
40 years old
at that time.
It this point
should mean
anything,
it is to show
that the traditional
expectation
that the wife's
age should
be close to,
or slightly
less than
the husband's
is not necessarily
true all the
time. What
counts actually
is not the
age, but the
maturity and
compatibility.
Another point
of this observation
is the fact
that the Prophet
was independent,
gainfully
employed,
and very successful.
His efficient
work performance
and excellent
business ability
were actually
one the main
reasons Khadijah
was attracted
to him. Although
Khadijah was
wealthy and
able to support
the household,
the Prophet
(pbuh) continued
to work and
produce. This
is another
pointer for
our husbands-to-be,
that he is
able to provide
for the family.
A third point
is the fact
that Khadijah
was the one
who approached
the Prophet
regarding
the marriage
through her
friend, Nafeesah.
Many of the
Muslims feel
that it is
not appropriate
for a girl
or her guardian
to approach
a man regarding
marriage,
and that the
man is the
one who should
ask for the
girl's hand.
The example
of the Prophet's
marriage to
Khadijah shows
that such
a tradition
is just a
matter of
false pride.
It is quite
appropriate
for a female
seeking marriage,
or for her
guardian,
to approach
a qualified
candidate
regarding
marriage,
as long as
this is done
in a decent,
proper way.
It should
actually be
the duty of
the parents
to look for
the proper
righteous
husbands for
their daughters,
since these
righteous
husbands are
usually difficult
to find these
days.
Another
observation
is related
to the type
of relation
and attitude
between Muhammad
(pbuh) and
Khadijah.
This family
relationship
was characterized
by love, respect,
and appreciation;
by hard work,
support, and
cooperation;
and above
all, by unprecedented
loyalty that
lasted till
the end of
the Prophet's
life, even
after the
death of Khadijah.
How did the
Prophet (pbuh)
achieve such
a beautiful
relationship?
The Prophet's (pbuh) Character
One
clue to this
beautiful
relationship
was the beautiful
standard of
character
of the Prophet
(pbuh) himself.
When Ayeshah
was asked
about the
character
of the Prophet
(pbuh), she
answered:
`His character
was the Qur'an;
whatever upset
Allah, upset
him; and whatever
pleased Allah,
pleased him;
and after
Allah had
perfected
his character,
He praised
him by saying
in the Qur'an:
"And
verily, you
have an exalted
standard of
character..."
(Qur'an 68:4)
It
was the consensus
of all those
who knew the
Prophet (pbuh)
that he was
gentle and
kind; generous
and noble;
thoughtful
and considerate;
honest and
sincere; loyal
and trustworthy.
He liked the
good and disliked
the evil.
He had a sense
of humor without
excess; he
joked but
always spoke
the truth;
he was simple
but firm;
he was humble
though he
had great
wisdom and
knowledge;
he was an
example of
morality;
and he was
a mercy to
anyone who
got in touch
with him.
True was Allah's
description
of him:
"We
sent you not
but as a mercy
for all creatures
..." (21:107)
Anyone
who saw him,
respected
him. And anyone
who got to
know him,
loved him.
With all the
beautiful
features listed
above, it
is no wonder
that he won
the heart
of Khadijah
as he won
the hearts
of all his
followers
and companions.
The Qur'an
teaches us
that goodness
would convert
enemy to friend:
"Nor
can Goodness
and Evil be
equal. Repel
(evil) with
what is better,
then the one
who was your
enemy becomes
as he were
your best
friend and
intimate..."
(Surah 41:34)
If
goodness can
make a friend
out of an
enemy, it
can definitely
increase and
strengthen
the ties with
a love one.
Mutual
Support and
Counseling
This
simple but
true fact
is commonly
ignored by
many marriage
partners.
They take
the relationship
between them
for granted.
They may express
their kind
feelings to
outsiders
and show their
best behavior
to strangers,
but when they
deal with
each other,
each assumes
that the other
already knows
his or her
feelings.
They take
each other's
feelings for
granted. If
each partner
shows the
best of himself
or herself
to his/her
partner, many
shaky marriages
will become
healthy and
successful
again. Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh)
gave us the
best example
in this respect.
He always
showed his
best side
to his family.
He always
asked the
believers
to be good
to their families,
and when it
comes to good
deeds, own
should start
with those
he is in charge
of.
Another
clue to the
realization
of an ideal
family relationship
such as the
one which
existed between
the Prophet
(pbuh) and
his wife,
Khadijah,
was the mutual
counseling
and support.
A single incident
will be quoted
to make a
point. I was
the time when
the Prophet
(pbuh) received
the first
revelation.
The magnitude
and the impact
of this incident
was so great
that it literally
shook him
up. Whom did
he go to for
counsel and
support in
such a difficult
time? Did
he go this
best friend?
Or to his
lawyer? Or
to his professor
or advisor?
Or to the
elder of the
community
or tribe?
None of these.
He went to
his wife Khadijah.
He asked her
for support
and for her
opinion, and
apparently
he knew what
he was doing.
She responded
in the most
appropriate
manner. She
did not faint
or panic.
She ated in
the most comforting
and supportive
way, and filled
him with confidence.
She was quoted
to say:
"Be
steadfast
and have good
news. By the
one who has
khadijah's
soul in His
hand, I wish
you become
the Prophet
of the this
nation. By
God, God will
never let
you down.
You are kind
to the kin,
you are truthful
in your word,
you carry
the weak,
you host your
guest, and
you support
the afflicted."
Someone
may ask: what
would this
single incident
mean? It means
quite a lot.
This type
of mutual
trust and
confidence
does not develop
instantly.
It is rather
the result
of long years
of exposure,
testing and
practice.
In such a
challenging
and difficult
situation,
the Prophet
(pbuh) would
not seek counsel
and support
from someone
he had not
trusted and
tried before.
The
point to be
made is that
the mutual
counseling
and support
between marriage
partners is
an essential
ingredient
for a successful
family life.
IT serves
two purposes:
One is that
a very useful
source of
counsel and
support must
be utilized
rather than
wasted. Second,
the consulted
partner will
develop confidence,
in addition
to a sense
of participation
and appreciation,
which will
further strengthen
family ties.
Helping Around
the House
"What
did the Prophet
(pbuh) do
at home?"
She replied:
"He would
be involved
in the service
of his family,
and when the
time for prayers
was due, he
would wash
up and go
out for prayers."
Unfortunately,
may men feel
that it is
beneath their
dignity to
participate
in housework.
It is true
that the home
and housekeeping
are usually
the domain
and responsibility
of the wife,
but a helping
hand by a
husband can
be of great
value. On
the one hand,
it will help
the husband
to undertstand
and appreciate
the duties
and problems
of his wife.
On the other
hand, it will
signal to
the wife his
interest and
caring attitude.
Besides, his
behaviour
will be an
example to
the children,
who might
feel that
housework
is for mothers
only. Sometimes
the services
of the husband
are not needed,
or not feasible.
Here, gestures
of goodwill
and willingness
to help are
all that is
needed. At
other times,
his service
at home may
be badly needed.
In such a
case, any
time he can
spare to serve
his family
is time well-spent.
Of course,
the service
provided could
be physical,
spiritual,
or intellectual.
Respect for
the family
Another
clue was the
Prophet's
(pbuh) respect
for his family.
Ayeshah said:
"The
Messenger
of Allah (pbuh)
has never
beaten a wife
or a servant,
and he has
never hit
anything with
his hand except
when fighting
in the cause
of Allah."
Although
physical discipline
may be required
or justified
in a crisis
and when dealing
with immature
individuals
where reason
and logic
are of no
value, the
Prophet (pbuh)
always discouraged
this mode
of action.
The normal
treatment
of mature
individuals
should be
based mainly
on logic,
reason and
sound understanding.
The main miracle
of Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh)
is the Qur'an,
which is a
message to
the minds
of all people.
IT is the
Islamic approach
to utilize
mainly the
mind and reasoning
rather than
to paralyze
and overpower
the person
by physical
means. When
it comes to
corrective
action, a
serious word
or look or
gesture could
be more effective
and even more
painful than
beating with
a whip. Physical
means are
saved for
the ones who
do not have
enough mind
to understand.
When beating
has to be
used along
these lines,
the Prophet
(pbuh) teaches
us that one
should not
hurt and that
one should
avoid the
face. The
Prophet (pbuh),
however, gives
us a marvelous
reminder:
"The
best among
you do not
beat."
There
is indeed
a great message
in this short
statement.
Stability
in Face of
Hardships
Another
clue to the
successful
marriage was
the stability
and good faith
of the partners
when facing
difficulties
and afflictions.
Many husbands
and wives
are taken
by frustration
and despair
when they
face difficult
problems.
Some lose
control and
completely
break down.
Many families
fall apart
after loss
of money,
failure of
business,
or any other
type of trauma.
The Prophet
(pbuh) and
his wife faced
a great many
difficulties,
including
the loss of
children (especially
the loss of
boys in a
society which
used to kill
female infants
out of shame).
In addition,
they suffered
the rejection
and persecution
inflicted
on them by
their own
people. Their
response did
not consist
in breaking
down, or giving
up. These
difficulties
probably increased
their determination
to build up
their efforts
to cope with
difficulties.
This clue
should be
a good lesson
for all marriage
partners who
are shaken
by the least
of tremors
in their family
life.
Loyalty
Another
feature of
the relationship
between Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh)
and his wife
Khadijah,
was his unprecedented
loyalty to
her. Loyalty
is actually
a cause and
a result of
the ideal
marital relationship
which existed
between them.
Loyalty is
not just the
lack of cheating,
or lack of
having extra-marital
relations.
Loyalty can
be an on-going
positive attitude
which can
be expressed
in many actions,
words or gestures.
The resultant
strengthening
of personal
relations
between the
partners will
in turn increase
their loyalty
towards one
another. Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh)
remained loyal
to Khadijah
to the end
of his life,
long after
her death.
Ayeshah used
to say that
she was not
jealous of
any woman
more than
Khadijah,
although Khadijah
was already
dead, because
the Prophet
(pbuh) always
had the best
memories of
her. The Prophet
(pbuh) also
had a special
kind of feeling
towards anyone
Khadijah used
to like.
Hard Work, Together for the Sake of Allah
One
more feature
of the happy
marriage to
Khadijah was
that it was
not a restful
and easy-going
one. Besides
love and affection,
there was
a great deal
of struggle
and hard work
to spread
the message
of Islam.
When the Prophet
(pbuh) received
the second
revelation:
"O
you wrapped
up. Arise
and deliver
thy warning..."
(Surah 74,
1-2)
which
woke him from
his sleep,
breathing
heavily and
sweating profusely,
his wife Khadijah
approached
him gently
to go back
to bed and
have some
sleep and
rest. His
answer was:
"O
Khadijah,
the time for
sleep and
rest is over.
Jibril has
commanded
me to warn
the people
and call them
to Allah and
His worship.
Whom should
I call? And
who is going
to respond
to me?"
Khadijah
comforted
him and anxiously
declared her
Islam and
her acceptance
of the prophet
hood of her
husband. From
then on, it
was like a
Da'wah team,
striving together
in the cause
of Allah.
This
lesson is
for every
family, where
one partner
is upset and
concerned
because the
other partner
has to work
hard in the
cause of Allah.
It would make
things a lot
easier if
both partners
did this work
together and
started their
won Da'wah
team. Part
of the Da'wah
work will
naturally
go towards
their won
personal education
and the teaching
of their children.
By doing it
this way,
the frustration
will subside,
and the joy
and pleasure
will grow.
The
above listed
aspects and
many more,
all contributed
to the develop-
ment of the
beautiful
relationship
between Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh)
and his wife
Khadijah.
The marriage
to Khadijah
was a "one
wife marriage".
For 25 years
of the Prophet's
prime age
and in a time
and place
where unlimited
polygamy was
quite acceptable,
and until
the death
of Khadijah,
it remained
a monoga-
mous marriage.
Could it be
that Divine
wisdom wanted
this aspect
to be one
of the features
of this "model
marriage"
for all of
us to emulate
under normal
circumstances?
