Each
year in America
alone, nearly
1 million
marriages
end in divorce.
This is an
incredible
number! That
would be as
if all the
citizens of
Houston Texas
were divorced
(each divorce
leaves 2 people).
The
question is
how many of
those marriages
could be saved.
Unfortunately,
that is an
invisible
number. If
your marriage
stays together,
it is hard
to find in
the statistics.
As Marian
Wright Edelman
wrote, statistics
are stories
with the tears
washed off.
Can
your marriage
be saved?
If I could
answer that,
I would be
a wealthy
man. I can
tell you that
if your marriage
is in trouble
and you do
nothing, the
outcome is
guaranteed.
If you do
something,
there is a
much better
chance that
your marriage
will be saved.
And I can
tell you,
in four simple
steps what
you can do
to save your
marriage.
You can start
right now.
But you must
understand
that I said
"simple."
That is not
the same as
"easy." These
steps are
not easy.
They do, however,
give you a
path that
you must follow
if you want
to change
the destiny
of a marriage
in trouble.
Here are the 4 steps:
1)
Quit the blame
game. Stop
blaming your
spouse and
stop blaming
yourself.
This is the
first step
because marriages
get frozen
into a pattern
of blame that
immobilizes
any prospect
of progress.
Instead, the
momentum gets
dragged down
and down.
Blame
is our way
of avoiding
seeing ourselves
clearly. It
is much easier
to point the
finger somewhere
and say "It's
their fault."
But in marriage,
you can just
as easily
turn that
pointing finger
on yourself
and place
the blame
there, saying
"it's all
my fault."
Unfortunately,
blame feels
good in the
short-term,
but in the
long-term,
it prevents
any shift
or change.
So, even if
you can make
a long list
of why you
or your spouse
should be
blamed, forget
it. Even if
that list
is factual,
it will not
help you put
your marriage
back together.
Blame is the
fuel of divorces.
2)
Take
responsibility.
Decide you
can do something.
Change always
begins with
one person
who wants
to see a change.
Understand
that taking
responsibility
is not the
same as taking
the blame
(see above).
Instead,
blame is saying
"regardless
of who is
at fault,
there are
some things
I can do differently,
and I am going
to do them."
What buttons
do you allow
your spouse
to push? What
buttons do
you push with
your spouse?
Decide not
to allow those
buttons to
be pushed
and stop pushing
the buttons.
What
amazes me
in my counseling
is that everyone
knows what
they should
be doing or
not doing.
But it is
difficult
to move in
that direction.
Don't be caught
in that. Decide
that you will
take action.
The
difference
between blame
and responsibility
is this: if
I am in a
burning building,
I can stand
around trying
to figure
out who started
the blaze,
why it has
spread so
quickly, and
who I am going
to sue when
it is over
(blame), or
I can get
myself and
anyone else
I can out
of that building
(taking responsibility).
When a marriage
is in trouble,
the house
is on fire.
How will you
take action
to save the
marriage?
3)
Get resources
from experts.
If others
have been
helped, you
can be, too.
Experts with
a great deal
more perspective
and experience
can be a real
help in these
situations.
Do your research
and divide
the useless
from the useful,
then take
advantage
of the useful.
Don't
assume that
your situation
is so different
from every
other situation.
I can tell
you that after
20-some years
of providing
therapy, not
too much new
comes through
my doors.
Don't get
me wrong;
the story
changes, but
the dynamics
are the same.
Remember
what Albert
Einstein said,
"The significant
problems we
have cannot
be solved
at the same
level of thinking
with which
we created
them." In
other words,
what got you
into trouble
will not get
you out of
trouble. That
requires a
whole new
level of thinking.
And that is
what you get
from an outside
expert, someone
with a fresh
perspective.
4)
Take
action. More
damage is
done by doing
nothing by
taking a misstep.
It is too
easy to get
paralyzed
by the situation.
Therapists
often talk
about "analysis
paralysis."
This occurs
when people
get so caught
up in their
churning thoughts
and attempts
to "figure
things out"
that they
never take
action.
It
is not enough
to simply
understand
what is causing
the problem.
You must then
act! On a
daily basis,
I find people
coming to
my office
with the belief
that if they
can just understand
their problem,
it will resolve
itself. That
simply does
not happen.
Resolution
of the situation
takes action.
Will
your marriage
be saved?
If you follow
my suggestions,
you have infinitely
more opportunity
for saving
your marriage
than if you
do nothing.
Marriage is
one of those
places where
it takes two
to make it
work, but
only one to
really mess
things up.
You can only
do your part,
but many times,
that is enough.
Resolve not
to ask the
question but
to begin to
act.
